Intoxicated Biden vomits during book reading at preschool

by:Chedoh 
CHICAGO, IL - A public relations nightmare ensued today after Vice President Joe Biden visited a prominent preschool in the greater Chicago area that enrolls the children of Chicago's elite citizens, while being heavily intoxicated. Despite the pleas of his security detail, Biden refused to cancel the reading of Of Thee I Sing: A Letter To My Daughters, a children's book written by Barack Obama.

Teachers at the school said they saw Biden stumble and lean against the wall as he made his way to the library where the event was held. They claimed the Vice President was acting combative towards a female Secret Service agent when she stood between him and the library door, begging him not to go in. Witnesses allegedly heard Biden yell, "God dammit, when I say I'm gonna do something I do it," before shoving the female agent out of the way and stumbling into the room.

Once inside the library Biden made an attempt to sit in his chair, falling to the ground as body guards rushed to his aid. Several dozen excited children watched as the Vice President swing his arms at the agents and said, "Get away from me I don't need your f****** help!" There was a slight gasp in the room from adults, while most children were still laughing at the sight of the Vice President falling down.

As the book reading began, even teachers in the back of the room reportedly began to notice the smell of alcohol. Biden was noticeably having difficulty reading the book. The Vice President mispronounced common words, repeated the same lines, and slurred as he followed the text with his finger while swaying in his seat. 


After the first two pages Biden handed the book off to a preschooler, saying, "Here, isn't your job to be read-learning anyway?" He then immediately snatched the book back from the shocked student and continued to read the "blurry words." Having read for a few more minutes, the Vice President stopped in mid-sentence, as his blood-shot eyes seemingly tried to focus on the back of the room.

The library went dead silent, with teachers and members of Biden's security detail exchanging anxious looks. After what some later described as "an eternity of a silent built-up of tension," Biden suddenly began projectile vomiting on the book in his hands and towards the students. In the words of Ruby Valentine, a student attending the book reading, "His eyes got real big, like baseballs, and then he started barfing everywhere."

The silence broke as screaming children ran away from the Vice President and the security rushed to help him up out of his chair. In the process of getting up, the Vice President lost his balance, stumbled, and fell down towards the frightened children, knocking over a few chairs and a bookshelf. That caused even louder cries of terror from the students as stunned teachers tried to calm them down.

Martha Hazard, one of the preschool teachers, later told reporters that "all these kids have a change of clothes on hand and fortunately, only those in the front row needed to be changed. We keep extra clothes in case they get dirty or soiled, but no one ever expected we would have to change them because of the Vice President of the United States. This is surely one of the most disturbing days our academy has ever seen." 

Accompanied by continued screaming, Biden was carried out of the room since he was no longer able to walk on his own. He was heard sobbing and muttering, "Why'd you have to go, Ted," apparently referring to the late Ted Kennedy, a former close friend of Joe Biden.

Having recovered from the momentary confusion, remaining members of the Secret Service collected everyone's cellphones and other recording devices, instructing the perturbed audience that the Vice President was "sick with the flu." They also confiscated all the security footage from that day.

As a result, no record of the incident exists anymore, with the exception of eyewitness accounts from teachers and frightened children. Later that day, however, the cleaning staff discovered a nearly empty metal flask with the initials "J.B." engraved on it, under a pile of children's books from the overturned bookshelf. It is surmised that the flask fell out of the Vice President's pocket when he fell down.

Joe Biden's office has refused to accept any calls and has aggressively declined to comment.