by
Ben Crystal
Last week, as the career of
Texas State Senator Wendy Davis
slammed into the bridge abutment of political reality, I couldn’t help
but notice the liberal establishment racing to the scene of the
accident. Despite the fact that she’d been caught lying like a Democrat
testifying under oath, her supporters were unfazed. According to the
left, Davis was a victim of evil conservative sexism. In much the same
vein as countless other exposed liberal liars beforehand, the fact that
Davis fabricated some pretty major chapters in her personal biography
was immaterial to our Democratic friends. As I’ve said before (and will
sadly be forced to say again), it’s not that Democrats lack principle;
it’s just that politics is their principle. And Davis is hardly the only
person the left has handed a free pass. Take a look at the left’s
partisan pantheon. Then join me in asking: Who the hell are these
people? Not every major leftist player is here. But each represents a
large swath of the teeming horde beneath them. They’re not just typical;
they’re archetypes.
Liberal VIP: Barack Obama
Actually,
Barack Obama almost didn’t make the list. It’s not that I’m downplaying
his ability to effect change for the worse; it’s just that Obama is
actually fairly unremarkable. For all his self-important bloviating,
Obama is nothing more than the latest actor to step into the starring
role in one of humanity’s longest-running dramas: the tyranny of the
few. Measured against the others who have held top billing, Obama is an
understudy in the touring company. Even if his signature
“accomplishment”
hadn’t turned out to be the shuffling zombie of Obamacare, Obama is poised to go down in history as the
most unpopular two-term President
of all time. And that’s about all he’s got. Josef Stalin, Mao Zedong
and Adolf Hitler killed far more people. The Islamofascists have more
money. Former President Bill Clinton lied more convincingly. The Kims of
North Korea have more interesting friends and are — reputedly — vastly
superior golfers. Russian President Vladimir Putin looks less pathetic
shirtless.
Liberal VIP: Hillary Clinton
After all the wild fantasies about a supposed “vast right-wing conspiracy,” there’s really only one lesson
Hillary Clinton’s
continued influence teaches us: In order to be classified as a “strong
woman” by the soy latte set, you have to let the boys do all the heavy
lifting.
Liberal VIP: Bill Clinton
While
the rest of the liberal pantheon features the same smug, entitled
twerps for whom skinny jeans and “hipster” glasses were invented,
“Bubba” stands out like Rosie O’Donnell at a beauty pageant. Every time
some smug, entitled twerp dressed in skinny jeans and hipster glasses
bellows the “war on women” refrain, I think of Bill Clinton fixing the
camera with a steely eye and steelier resolve and saying with all the
conviction of a sociopath:
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
Liberal VIP: Jane Fonda
How
Jane Fonda keeps resurfacing in the public consciousness mystifies me. A
Hollywood princess grew into a marginally talented actress who looked
good in small clothing. Rather than slink off into the twilight years of
“Love Boat” guest shots and denture adhesive ads, she built a second
career as a
remorseless traitor.
She shacked up with a couple of leisure-class twerps with obvious
personality disorders and enough cash to keep her busy with exercise
videos and political shrieking. One of them even let her name their kid
after a homicidal terrorist. Fonda is really nothing more than Patty
Hearst without the kidnapping. Like Hearst, Fonda’s a poor little rich
girl who went off the rails. Unlike Hearst, Fonda
willingly
bought her ticket to crazy town. And now, first lady Michelle Obama, who
wasn’t proud of her country for the first 44 years of her life,
considers Little Lady Fonda to be an “engaged, politically savvy, sharp
woman.”
Liberal VIP: George Soros
Say
hello to the Emperor Palpatine of politics-as-Star Wars. This
former-Nazi-collaborator-turned-billionaire puppet master is the
Bilderbergs, the Rothschilds and the Kennedys with a side order of James
Bond villain. Through fronts like the Open Society Institute,
George Soros’ tendrils
have wormed their way into the geopolitical strata like metastatic
cancer with a revenge complex. The list of hate groups that cash
Soros-signed checks is longer than his beneficiary Brett Kimberlin’s rap
sheet. ThinkProgress, Media Matters for America, Common Cause. All
propped up by Soros’ billions and all protected by the tax-exempt status
conservative groups can’t sniff without an Internal Revenue Service
investigation only slightly more invasive than the inmates at a Turkish
prison.
Liberal VIP: Harry Reid
Don’t
let his tendency to act like he’s House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s
butler fool you. While Pelosi has been demoted by the electorate, Harry
Reid remains the Senate Majority Leader — although his perch is getting
wobbly. To stretch the Star Wars similes past their breaking point: If
Soros is the Emperor, Reid is the spooky-looking demon-faced guy from
the first prequel. He’s never going to be the biggest villain in the
show, but he’s 100 percent
dedicated to trying.
Reid “heard” that Mitt Romney didn’t pay his income taxes. I “heard”
that Reid is a bid-rigging corruptocrat who took money from disgraced
politico Jack Abramoff. Unlike Reid, what I “heard” actually happened.
Liberal VIP: Nancy Pelosi
There’s a reason Nancy Pelosi is the
former
Speaker of the House. Americans were so appalled by her performance,
especially the two abysmal years we endured under the three-headed
monstrosity of Pelosi, Reid and Obama in the majority — we actually
preferred current Speaker John Boehner. We have to pass it to see what’s
in it. We passed it.
We saw what’s in it. We like it almost as much as we like you, Mrs. Pelosi.
Liberal VIP: Al Gore
I’m
glad this particular Big Tobacco scion found his way in this difficult
world. Like so many of the left’s biggest heroes, Al Gore has spent most
of his life dining with sterling flatware in the sorts of places where
the liberal base isn’t allowed to use the service entrance. The same
wooden demeanor that charmed Buddhist monks out of loads of cash beyond
the control of legal authority has somehow propelled him into a Nobel,
an Oscar and a place in the imaginary scientists’ hall of fame. But the
ice- and snow-crusted death throes of
so-called “global warming,”
easily his defining contribution to history, might have sent lesser men
into a tailspin of increasingly bizarre behavior. Under the right
stress, he might even have taken to molesting massage therapists. I
guess it’s a good thing Qatari oil barons had enough cash to push him
out of his pretend news network and into a $500 million dollar
retirement.
Liberal VIP: Phil Griffin
Think of Phil Griffin as the junior varsity Roger Ailes. Griffin didn’t invent the
faux-journalism his MSNBC charges spew
all over the screens, nor does he write the hate-filled invective that
they proffer in place of actual news. But Griffin is the guy who
continually brings in misogynistic lunatics like Alec Baldwin and Martin
Bashir and knockoff hipsters like Rachel Maddow and that cake-eater who
looks like a less masculine Maddow. Try to imagine the liberal response
if Sean Hannity called a liberal woman a “mashed-up bag of meat” or a
“slut.” What if Glenn Beck suggested someone should defecate in a
woman’s mouth in response to her opinions or participated in a
conspiracy that actually involved smearing feces on a teenaged girl? Now
look at the “men” of
MSNBC. Liberals love whining about Ailes’ success at
FOX News. With guys like Griffin trying to replicate Ailes’ formula without Ailes’ eye for talent, they’d better keep on loving it.
Liberal VIP: Michael Moore
Guys
like Michael Moore remind me that liberals set the bar for heroes very,
very low. You have to admire his moxie, though. Of all the
multimillionaire windbags who turned the so-called “Occupy” riots into
marketing opportunities, Moore was easily the most well-fed. Of all the
multimillionaires who have pocketed huge piles of money off
shlockumentary films entitled “Capitalism: a Love Story,” Moore is…
well, he’s the only one. I’m pretty sure he’s also the only
multimillionaire who attended $4,000-per-week weight-loss clinics before
crowing about the
high quality of healthcare
available to the tyrannized — and terrorized — people of Cuba. Of
course, there are very few people of Moore’s considerable girth in Cuba.
Obesity is as difficult to maintain in a starvation-ravaged
dictatorship as freedom of expression is in the liberal idea of utopia.
Liberal VIP: Oprah
The
great and powerful Oprah
rules from atop her Chicago throne. And what an empire she surveys.
From her humble beginnings showcasing renegade lesbian cannibals (or
whatever), she became as ubiquitous as Coke, McDonald’s and Weight
Watchers. Not only does the one-named wonder exert impressive political
clout, she can create media sensations of pure will. Dr. Phil, Gayle
King and the image of Michelle Obama as a champion of physical fitness
are all products of Oprah’s clout. Of course, she has her limits. Hermes
still exists, as does James Frey. Meanwhile,
O at Home magazine no longer does.
Liberal VIP: Bill Maher
Hey, stand-up comedian: Do that thing where you
call conservative women “c*nts” while complaining that conservatives hate woman. Yeah, that never gets old.
Honorable Mention: Al Sharpton, Etc.
Being black in America is
tough. If you don’t believe me, ask one of these fine folks:
Al Sharpton,
Jessie Jackson,
Sheila Jackson Lee,
etc. They’re barely getting by. In fact, if it weren’t for the scheming
of the white man, they might have to cut back on the love children,
race-baiting and three-block limo rides. Egads!
Honorable Mention: Debbie Wasserman Schultz
I’m going to assume that
Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s
behavior stems directly from a reaction to that commercial-grade sludge
she slathers all over her head. Every time I see Wasserman Schultz
trying to explain away the latest crime perpetrated by the Democrats on
the goodly folk of these United States, I can’t help but think: “And I
thought Howard Dean was the crazy one.”
Honorable Mention: Joe Biden
The
same backroom wire pullers who built an entire cult of personality for a
previously unknown “community organizer” from the People’s Republic of
Chicago actually settled on Neil Kinnock’s biggest fan as the
best choice for a Presidential understudy. Sleep well with that knowledge.
Honorable Mention: (Insert Obnoxious Hollywood Ninny Here)
Actually,
we should be glad Hollywood spends so much time pushing leftist causes.
Take, for example, Harvey Weinstein who hopes to
destroy the 2nd Amendment with a film starring Meryl Streep. And who in Hollywood
isn’t green?
Without “climate change” conferences, Obama fundraisers and
anti-fracking rallies, we’d be subjected to so many more movies about
climate change, Obama and fracking.
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