The War On Error

All right, all you fearmongers, war profiteers, chicken hawks, anti-Muslim bigots and conservative riffraff: You are all welcome to return to the humdrum drone of your daily existences. Despite your intransigence, your racism and your willingness to endanger the future of the world in favor of gross partisanship, President Barack Obama has finally delivered on that Nobel Peace Prize he won a few years back. That’s right, you right-wing curmudgeons: Thanks to Obama, peace is at hand.

In a Monday article in National Journal, a senior Obama flunky announced: “The war on terror is over.” While I’m sure you share my amazement that such an enormously important revelation was left to some State Department sock puppet as opposed to a bells-and-whistles Rose Garden press event, you should be less interested in who rang the bells of peace and more interested in why the announcement hasn’t been trumpeted across the proverbial rooftops of the world. 

Surely, Obama — rocked as he is by a proliferation of scandals — would be loath to pass up an opportunity to play tough guy with the eyes of the world upon him. Bolstered by corporate media coverage that comes in somewhere between “fawning” and “restraining order,” Obama gravitates toward smiling photo ops the way Michael Moore gravitates toward Crisco. Granted, announcing victory in the War on Terror isn’t as cool as — say — dinner with Oprah Winfrey. Nonetheless, declaring an end to the threat posed by the suicide bomber set has to rank up there in liberal fantasies with free attendance at a Bill Ayers
bomb-making seminar.

Surely, Obama wouldn’t delegate to some Foggy Bottom functionary the responsibility of declaring an end to the threat posed by subhuman savagery of the Islamofascist death cultists after decades of hijackings, kidnappings and bombings. After all, an almost-blind item in a magazine article isn’t likely to swing back the millions of voters who have abandoned Obama in recent months. Plus, if Obama passes on the presser, then the first lady loses a built-in excuse for a new wardrobe.

Surely, the random acknowledgement of the end of the defining conflict of our age wasn’t merely some cynical political gamesmanship — a test balloon to see if Americans would buy such nonsense, re-visualize Obama as some sort of wartime savior and forgive the disgrace he has heaped upon us during his occupation of the White House. Furthermore, if Obama and his minions did decide to sneak a major change in terror policy (from “Islamofascist are bad” to “What Islamofascists? You mean Akbar? He’s just misunderstood”) past the voting public, then the anonymous State Department mouthpiece who declared the War on Terror as finished as John Edwards’ chances of winning another election had better start watching his back.

Surely, Obama didn’t deliberately mute the announcement in order to shade a direction in policy away from Islamofascists who promise action-film deaths for everyone who opposes burqas, clitoridectomies and honor killings and toward patriots who commit the unpardonable sin of opposing Obama. Just because legions of Obama’s Democratic co-conspirators have traded in focus on Shariah proponents for focus on the Tea Party and the National Rifle Association doesn’t mean that the President has shifted his watchful gaze from real terrorists to a ludicrous target, does it? For example, even the most unhinged liberal recognizes that an Islamofascist with a brick of Semtex and a dream is more dangerous than a 4-year-old girl from Montana, right?

And surely Obama isn’t leaking out some of sort of stealthy olive branch to the rising Islamofascists in the Mideast. We know that Obama would never sell out the safety and security of millions of people in order to appease the twisted sensibilities of sand-pounding lunatics, don’t we?
There is good news, however. Since the War on Terror has concluded, our men and women in uniform can pack their gear and head home. The Transportation Security Administration can discontinue its air passenger molestation program. The five dozen or so unmanned drones peeking at us from above can be redeployed somewhere more worthwhile than the skies over Gadsden, Ala.
Because surely Obama isn’t lying about victory in the defining conflict of the new millennium in an effort to rescue his fading electoral hopes, right?
~ Ben Crystal